TV

There were no great surprises during the show's performances. Mel B. opened up with her judges' choice dance -- a cha-cha-cha reprisal of her week-one performance -- that showed, once again, that of the remaining competitors she has the best dancing chops. "Crisp, clean, precise -- a great opening" is how head judge Len Goodman put it. She received a near-perfect 29.

A little later, Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves drove through his judges' pick -- a quick-stepping jive -- that looked zippy and fun. He got the first of two thunderous standing ovations from the studio crowd (if the contest were decided by an applause meter, Helio would be the hands-down, or hands-up, winner). But the judges were tough, pointing out his errant footwork among other details, giving him an undeservedly low 25.

In between came you-know-who. For her first dance, Marie Osmond had to perform a samba, the dance she punctuated last time by fainting. If you've watched her dance during the season, her performance requires no description. Lots of animated expressions, lots of -- what do the judges always call it, oh yes -- enthusiasm. But not much in the way of actual dancing. As she herself said afterward, "I dance my age." The only difference from any other week is that on this night, the judges came uncharacteristically close to calling an Osmond an Osmond.

"I will tell you the truth," said Bruno Tonioli, "the samba is tricky." Len Goodman went further. "Technically, you're not the best of the remaining competitors," he said before hastening to add the standard consolation "but on entertainment and fun, you're second to none." Carrie Ann completed the intervention by adding "This wasn't your best dance... your range of motion is limited."

Oof. But as the season has continued and the dancers have dwindled, Marie's lack of dance skills in comparison with the other celebrities has become obvious and undeniable -- except to the legions of fans who continue to vote for her. No one understands this better than Marie. By Monday night's show, she dropped all pretense of trying to please the judges, a fact made bracingly clear by the routine she and partner Jonathan Roberts performed during the second half of the show, the freestyle dance where, as Tom Bergeron repeatedly said, "the rule book goes out the window and anything goes."

Free to choose the music, costumes and choreography, Marie and Jonathan performed what was less a dance routine than a theatrical skit. To the house band's rough and raucous (and not in a good way) rendition of the Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up," Marie appeared decked out as an apple-cheeked, pig-tailed doll that Jonathan proceeded to wind up and teach to dance. It was an obvious gambit designed to flout the essential challenge of the competition (that is, to show off the dancing skills you've developed over the season) and to play to her fanbase, which apparently is made up of a lot of doll collectors who support Marie as, in her own words, "one of the leading doll designers in the world" (who knew?). As a bonus, the routine's premise allowed her to dance like a doll, in a stiff, stilted, altogether wooden way. In other words, the way she usually dances. Really, she barely did anything. Just spinning wherever Jonathan twirled her or landing wherever Jonathan threw her.

I don't think the judges failed to recognize the nose-thumbing implicit in her performance. "I don't buy it, I'm not buying it," said a plainly peeved Len. "That was the loopiest thing I've ever seen. It defies criticism. It's not a dance," said Bruno. "You're a risk taker, I'll give you that," softballed Carrie Ann. Throughout their comments, Marie interrupted, waved her hands and all but heckled the judges, concluding by saying "I'm a doll designer. I did this for my viewers." For all this she received the low score of the evening, a 22. She received two sevens which at this point in the ongoing inflation of the scoring (where 8 out of 10 is the usual low anyone receives) is the real-world equivalent of a minus two.

Meanwhile, Scary Spice and Maksim tore across the stage in a freestyle dance full of elaborate lifts and quick-stepping frenzy that failed to fire up the judges, who gave her a 27, which, again, in the DWTS world is a low score. Helio and Julianne turned in the performance of the night with their last dance. It too was full of lifts, but the difference is as the only male competitor left, Helio was being lifted, he was doing the lifts. The judges rewarded him with a 29 -- a stingy Carrie Ann who's been tough on Helio all season was the lone holdout, giving him a 9.

So what does all this mean? A point separates first-place Mel from Helio in the judging, with Marie a distant third. But since when does who's the best dancer or who got the highest score from the judges matter when it comes to who the winner will be? On ABC's DWTS message boards immediately after the show, the battle lines were (once again) clearly drawn between the fans who can't believe Marie made it this far and those who think she can do no wrong.

Marie not only has the undying loyalty of her fans (talk about enthusiasm), she also is aided by the fact that her opposition continues to be split among the rest of the competitors. I think Helio is the purest fulfillment of the show's central theme -- taking unexperienced people famous for things unrelated to dance and watching them week-by-week develop the skills neccessary to become talented dancers. And for that he SHOULD win. Mel B. is the most talented dancer and has a lot of fans so, who know, maybe. But if you ask me who I think will win, I'm going to say Marie just because she and her fans seem united in an us-against-the-world kind of pact. She should team up with Sanjaya after all of this. He could be her new Donnie. They could go on tour, maybe host a variety show on the You-Got-To-Be-Kidding Network.